The following was a confessional back at Helios, from around the time that Rob came over, including a snippet of a conversation between Rob and I. I've intended for some time to share these thoughts with Brian, and I still do plan to, so that he can hopefully believe that I have every intention of taking him as far in the game as possible no matter what, and that will hopefully make him less reluctant to do the same. If I had it my way, I'd be in the final two with him, and not in a final three with him and someone else.
This is something from one of the PM's to Rob today.
Quote:
This is WAY off-topic, but if I had to guess, I'd say that you're not a teenager (or if you are, certainly on the upper end), and most likely at least somewhat more mature than that, based solely on the mentality that you carry with the game. I've been out of the online game circuit for quite some time now (on the order of years, close to a full hand worth of them now), and just came back as a sort of holiday excursion, if you will. When I have memories of ORGs (albeit some good ones, for sure), the resounding feeling that I get is: I always thought 'MUST win,' shit those were overly stressful, fuck they pissed me off, why the hell did I spend so much time to accomplish nothing, etc. That's because, when I would a young teenager, it was all about winning, and anything less was failure. I came back here assuming that I'd have the same mentality, and very soon after came to realize something different: that I didn't care as much. That's not to say that I don't care about the game; I most certainly do. But rather, that, I would much rather play a solid game and lose against competitive people, that were able to make it challenging, exciting, interesting, entertaining, etc. instead of go to the end with a group of pseudo-inactive bots for the sole purpose of winning. Now, this evaluation would likely be different for the real game of Survivor, but for here, it applies.
And it was actually something that I was going to post in confessional yesterday, if I'd have had the motivation.
"Don't Underestimate the Things That I Will Do""We could have had it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Rolling in the DEEEEEEEEEEEP."
As described above, when I used to play ORGs as a teen (and when I walked into this game I expected that), I would do whatever it takes to win. Winning was everything back then. In (at least, what I consider to be) the heyday of ORGs, best friends would throw each other under the bus for the sake of a win, particularly of a well-respected series. With age, I've come to accept that it doesn't matter as much to me. It's fundamentally about the experience. Part of this came from the introspection that I had after our demoralizing loss earlier this week.
Back then, I would absolutely take a goat to the finals over a competitor. But, I look at the reason I applied for this game: to gauge how well I can actually perform. To evaluate how well I can play Survivor. With age, and especially with recognizing that ORGs aren't a huge part of my life anymore (God, some of us were embarrassing children), I don't see as much of a difference between a 1st or 2nd Place, even though a significant difference surely exists. If this was an end for me, then I'd go for the win against a goat. But it's not an end, it's a preparatory exercise (hopefully).
I have every intention of taking Brian to the finals, even if it's not the best move for me, and I plan on expressing that to him at some point. In part, because there isn't a $900,000 difference. In part, because much of my game is indebted to him. And in part, because I honestly want to see whose game the jury would respect more.
If this were Survivor, things would be different, since there's a massive prize on the line, that would be an "end," and I'd want to win dammit. Here, that prize is pride, and to me, that's an acceptable loss, because this is all intended to be a learning experience.
Not to mention, it would be more interesting for you guys to watch that happen, anyways.
Now, this is all having to do with Brian. Does the same philosophy extend to Rob and Christy? No. At least not now. I can't tell you what the difference is exactly---maybe it's the personal relationship, maybe it's because I don't trust them yet---but I'd have no problem throwing them aside, which I certainly don't plan to do with Brian. Is that saying that I'm geeked to eliminate them? No, not necessarily. I haven't made any of those kind of decisions yet, it's far too early. But they aren't saved under my umbrella of [insert word of your choice: conscience, stupidity, perceived deservingness, indebtedness]. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe. But it's a decision that I'm content with right now.
